We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
