I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
