Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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