If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
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