Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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