We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
