My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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