i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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