Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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