I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
