I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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