Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
