I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
