smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize