I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
