Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
