sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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