Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
