dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
