I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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