apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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