You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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