i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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