I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
