he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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