U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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