my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
