please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
