I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
