Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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