I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
