i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
