Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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