May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
