no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I touched a dick in church today
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
So. Much. Porn.
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