Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
