I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
