shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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