you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
