she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
