I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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