Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
