we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Im part way to drunk.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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