Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
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i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...