guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
