Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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