how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
