I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
