Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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