drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I need a burrito and a hug.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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