Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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