You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
